apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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