So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?