peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza