Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
