btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
