i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
