I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
