Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
