I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
