my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
