Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
