TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
