There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
