I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
