After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
