She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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