I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it's like heaven, but drunker
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
