I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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