I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
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I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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