i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
