i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
