It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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