your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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