Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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