Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
