Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
