Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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