Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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