Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sext me about skeletons
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
