A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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