He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
