My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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