I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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