I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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