Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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