Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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