I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
