I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
