The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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