Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just gift wrapped bread.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize