You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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