Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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