A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
