I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's blow job season.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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