I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
