I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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