If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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