I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
