I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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