its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
