i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
