Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
