Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I deserve this hangover.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
