dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
