You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
