Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
