Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
