There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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