Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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