My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
