Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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